games you can’t win because you’ll play against you

May 19, 2011 § 3 Comments

Two steps forward, one step back. This is just what it is, sometimes. I re-read Nietzsche’s “On the Genealogy of Morals” (yes, that’s right, re-read, as in to do it again. I can be that motherfucking smart. Really), and then I zone out for days on “My So-Called Life”. I go for a run, my first voluntary running experience EVER, and I am actually decent at it, and then I fail at jumping rope. I have a kickass mom-kid talk about friendship and how to communicate with people, and then I get my feelings hurt by a friend and promptly do all the things that even an 8-year old knows are unproductive and self-indulgent. I tell a couchful of almost-strangers my entire life story, traumatic shit and bad behavior and everything, in an effort to be honest and be held accountable for myself, and then…well, that was just tonight so the step back is still a day or two away. But I know it’s coming.

So on the brink of my 34th birthday, I look at the steps taken, forward and back and often diagonally, and I wonder where the hell I’m going. Is there a path? If there is, can I be trusted to follow it? Logically I know I can’t be the only one so mired in a perpetual post-adolescent confusion, but everyone else my age seems to have it so much more together. They have jewelry, like real jewelry. And hairstyles. They don’t share clothes with their daughters. They’re not mistaken for babysitters or college students. They do yoga and drink coffee beverages and push expensive strollers that don’t fit through doorways. And while I don’t want to be one of them, not ever ever in a million years, not even if it means being able to recline on a rug softer than Usher’s baby-soft skin, even still…I don’t want to be lost forever. When I blow out the candles on my invisible cake, this smeary plea will be my wish.

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Partyin’ partyin’ yeah, fun fun fun

May 16, 2011 § Leave a comment

I will now formally apologize for taking this blog to the depths of “check out this thing I found on the interweb!” There was probably some science involved in this and there’s books in it so, I mean, at least it’s not that “Friday” video. I’m too occupied with my own research to discover if I really do like these Hint of Pepperjack chips to come up with anything else. In the name of science, I’ve eaten like half the bag and am feeling kind of sick. Time to nap. But hey! Check out this thing I found on the interweb!

J

It’s for real now.

May 9, 2011 § 1 Comment

We’ve gotta get on that Denny’s bacon sundae/mozzarella stick grilled cheese and Monster Golf STAT.

J

May 4, 2011 § Leave a comment

If there’s one thing I wish I was smart enough to learn more about, it’s space/astronomy/physics/science in general. The best I can do is watch Carl Sagan’s “Cosmos” on Netflix and try to remember things I saw on Bill Nye way back when. So far all I’ve got is that R-E-C-Y-C-L-E song set to the tune of “Respect.” I don’t think anything about water chimps is strictly “knowledge.”

Somewhere out there, there is probably a better J. who never falls asleep reading or leaves the dishes out to air dry. Overachiever.

mother medusa

May 1, 2011 § Leave a comment

Here. Consider it a gift, this song – from me to you. Happy and sad and hopeful and hopeless. I’m liking today, and I’m loving this weekend and all the time I got to spend with a couple of amazing people. And now I’m “Flowers for Algernon”-ing, because I know me and I know hormones and I know I can’t hold onto this feeling. But I can feel it now and play the shit out of a good song.

M

smiles form the channel of a future tear

April 30, 2011 § 1 Comment

Pensive morning, this. Too much stuff going on and too many people trying to tell me what to do about said stuff, and me with not enough trust to go round and too much of said trust invested unwisely.

This song reminds me of being 18 and wondering what my life would be, what I would make it. At the time I found its downtrodden sadsack narrative so romantic. Doomed relationships, fucked up lives, now THAT’S what my future will be like!

Here I am, and it is actually like that, and it’s way less romantic. But for any of you whose impression of me is one of opportunity wasted, think again – I was aiming pretty low to begin with.

M

and we’re different how?

April 21, 2011 § 2 Comments

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7988169.stm

To clear up any issue of bias, I’ll admit right now that my mood is terrible this morning. There is no winning today, such that even scientists are on my shit list. And I love science. The method, the operational definitions that remove the cloudiness of the “real world”, statistical significance, the hesitance to make definitive statements in favor of observations and “directions for further study”. Fucking love it.

But, guys, really? We’re surprised that chimps trade meat for sex, in a longer term way than “Hey, Peg, chow down on this while I hump you for a minute”? Study it all, yes, great. But it’s not amazingly newsworthy that our close animal relatives figured out a way to barter something necessary for something “necessary”. It’s pretty primal that we trade money for sex, and not much less primal that we trade dinner dates and flowers and caring phone calls for regular sex. Sure, we call that dating and try to turn it into something particularly human and romantic. But have you seen that video of the chimp and the frog? I was shown it by someone who’s using me for regular sex, and I totally related to that frog. Only difference is I get the chance to say yes, and he’ll probably buy me ice cream or fix my kitchen sink at some point.

This particularly pessimistic post brought to you by my cramping, crying uterus (which apparently enjoys alliteration)…

M