games you can’t win because you’ll play against you
May 19, 2011 § 3 Comments
Two steps forward, one step back. This is just what it is, sometimes. I re-read Nietzsche’s “On the Genealogy of Morals” (yes, that’s right, re-read, as in to do it again. I can be that motherfucking smart. Really), and then I zone out for days on “My So-Called Life”. I go for a run, my first voluntary running experience EVER, and I am actually decent at it, and then I fail at jumping rope. I have a kickass mom-kid talk about friendship and how to communicate with people, and then I get my feelings hurt by a friend and promptly do all the things that even an 8-year old knows are unproductive and self-indulgent. I tell a couchful of almost-strangers my entire life story, traumatic shit and bad behavior and everything, in an effort to be honest and be held accountable for myself, and then…well, that was just tonight so the step back is still a day or two away. But I know it’s coming.
So on the brink of my 34th birthday, I look at the steps taken, forward and back and often diagonally, and I wonder where the hell I’m going. Is there a path? If there is, can I be trusted to follow it? Logically I know I can’t be the only one so mired in a perpetual post-adolescent confusion, but everyone else my age seems to have it so much more together. They have jewelry, like real jewelry. And hairstyles. They don’t share clothes with their daughters. They’re not mistaken for babysitters or college students. They do yoga and drink coffee beverages and push expensive strollers that don’t fit through doorways. And while I don’t want to be one of them, not ever ever in a million years, not even if it means being able to recline on a rug softer than Usher’s baby-soft skin, even still…I don’t want to be lost forever. When I blow out the candles on my invisible cake, this smeary plea will be my wish.