games you can’t win because you’ll play against you

May 19, 2011 § 3 Comments

Two steps forward, one step back. This is just what it is, sometimes. I re-read Nietzsche’s “On the Genealogy of Morals” (yes, that’s right, re-read, as in to do it again. I can be that motherfucking smart. Really), and then I zone out for days on “My So-Called Life”. I go for a run, my first voluntary running experience EVER, and I am actually decent at it, and then I fail at jumping rope. I have a kickass mom-kid talk about friendship and how to communicate with people, and then I get my feelings hurt by a friend and promptly do all the things that even an 8-year old knows are unproductive and self-indulgent. I tell a couchful of almost-strangers my entire life story, traumatic shit and bad behavior and everything, in an effort to be honest and be held accountable for myself, and then…well, that was just tonight so the step back is still a day or two away. But I know it’s coming.

So on the brink of my 34th birthday, I look at the steps taken, forward and back and often diagonally, and I wonder where the hell I’m going. Is there a path? If there is, can I be trusted to follow it? Logically I know I can’t be the only one so mired in a perpetual post-adolescent confusion, but everyone else my age seems to have it so much more together. They have jewelry, like real jewelry. And hairstyles. They don’t share clothes with their daughters. They’re not mistaken for babysitters or college students. They do yoga and drink coffee beverages and push expensive strollers that don’t fit through doorways. And while I don’t want to be one of them, not ever ever in a million years, not even if it means being able to recline on a rug softer than Usher’s baby-soft skin, even still…I don’t want to be lost forever. When I blow out the candles on my invisible cake, this smeary plea will be my wish.


§ 3 Responses to games you can’t win because you’ll play against you

  • Z says:

    Honestly, I don’t think there’s any path other than what you make for yourself. What do you want out of life? If you’re even moderately ambitious then you make the choices and do the deeds (preferably within the legal boundaries of our society) that will allow you to achieve the goals/people/possessions/experiences that you set your sights on. Sure, there will be set-backs here and there but route around them like water and get back on track.

    Even the people who allegedly “have it together” don’t really. Look at Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the dude who headed up the IMF. Does he have it together? I would say not considering the turmoil his life is going through right now. Sure, he’s still filthy fucking rich, but even that could be torn away in a New York minute.

    So you do your best. Figure out what you want; better pay? house? financial security? “stuff”? academic achievement? Whatever floats your boat. Then, make it happen. Everyone is their own worst enemy so dual your bad self and make sure you win more often than not.

  • J. says:

    Despite the fact that I apparently have “direction” (news to me) I, instead of finishing my book like I thought I would, spent like an hour watching youtube videos of my favorite 90’s dance hits and discussed the virtues of boxer briefs vis a vis mark wahlberg with my sister. I’m also currently engaged in a game of “it was a lot easier when we weren’t talking but I like talking, but talking bums me out, but I don’t want to not talk now that we’ve been talking, please talk to me but don’t tell me you miss me or that it’s nice to talk like this because that bums me out, it was a lot easier when we weren’t talking, repeat.”

    In short, I think most everyone, on the eves of all their birthdays, breaks out the world’s tiniest violin for a while and mopes about time wasted/bad choices/no choices/choices yet to be made. An Usher-soft rug would probably help, though.


  • M says:

    Yay! I love those tiny mix tape comps, everything from the titles on down.

    On the eve of your own birthday, the emotional maturity backsliding makes sense. But remember that we all depend on you, so get back on the straight and narrow “directed” path you’ve so cunningly crafted for yourself…

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