March 18, 2011 § 2 Comments
There is funny to come, after an evening of pizza and Yelp-stalking and random wiki vocabulary lessons. I promise.
But right now there’s just a heartbroken
woman girl blob of consciousness who wants to not feel so desperately alone. What is it about you, us, or maybe just me that shuts down in the face of emotional difficulty? And once there, shut down and huddled under a table somewhere, what is it that has me needing someone to drag me back out again? I need to be dragged out, I need to be reminded that I matter.
Is it fair of me to want someone to think I’m worth the effort involved in such a search and rescue mission? I want to say yes, I want to say that I give everything I have and some of what I don’t have to the people I care about, I want to say that those people always know that I will do absolutely anything for them. But FUCK – it hurts like holy hell to not get it in return from a person you believed you could count on. And so then I wonder how much I invented, how much was real but slipped away over time, how much was one thing I mistook for another. And then I wonder if I was wrong to think that anyone is ever worth the effort. Clearly I am not worth it. Hopefully the rest of you are.
Making Sylvia Plath look like Mother Goose, that’s my jam.