March 18, 2011 § 2 Comments

There is funny to come, after an evening of pizza and Yelp-stalking and random wiki vocabulary lessons. I promise.

But right now there’s just a heartbroken woman girl blob of consciousness who wants to not feel so desperately alone. What is it about you, us, or maybe just me that shuts down in the face of emotional difficulty? And once there, shut down and huddled under a table somewhere, what is it that has me needing someone to drag me back out again? I need to be dragged out, I need to be reminded that I matter.

Is it fair of me to want someone to think I’m worth the effort involved in such a search and rescue mission? I want to say yes, I want to say that I give everything I have and some of what I don’t have to the people I care about, I want to say that those people always know that I will do absolutely anything for them. But FUCK – it hurts like holy hell to not get it in return from a person you believed you could count on. And so then I wonder how much I invented, how much was real but slipped away over time, how much was one thing I mistook for another. And then I wonder if I was wrong to think that anyone is ever worth the effort. Clearly I am not worth it. Hopefully the rest of you are.

Making Sylvia Plath look like Mother Goose, that’s my jam.



§ 2 Responses to

  • There are two sides of me wanting to respond. One side is saying “Duh, no one is worth the effort”. But that side of me is the most lonely, the most curled up under a table, the most in need of “rescuing” but would never, EVER admit it. The other side, the more reasonable side, says something along the lines of you just have to keep giving because the world needs people to give, the world needs people strong enough to give and give and not expect anything in return. I don’t like thinking about it that way; how can one be strong enough for that? How do you deal with the hurt of not feeling worthy? Perhaps “worth” doesn’t play into it at all.

    I’m getting back under the table now. And thinking obsessively about jam.

  • J. says:

    There are definitely some relationships where you (or I) are going to be huddled under the table and the person we need to show up and drag us out just never will. It doesn’t necessarily mean that said person(s) are terrible people with no feelings who should be repeatedly punched in the crotch by unassuming passerby (though sometimes visualization helps). But do we have to drag ourselves out from under the table because said person(s) really, really can’t do it, or just don’t want to? I guess I don’t necessarily feel like I’m owed the whole dragging-out-from-the-lowest-lows thing, because people generally give back in other ways and the whole relationship isn’t always one-sided. But it still sucks. They should show up. With a bag of treats to shake. Harpo always comes out from under the bed when I bring treats.

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